I have been the worst mom to Win. He has been acting like a two year old and it's undoing my nerves. For instance, yesterday I asked him if he wanted to go to the park. He said no. I dragged him out the door anyway because he needed to stop playing puzzles on my phone and get some fresh air. We were there for over an hour and it was infringing on naptime so I said it was time to leave. I asked him if he wanted to leave and he said no so I let him do a few extra things (swing, slides, hanging on bars), but we had to get home. We live across the street, but walking home and getting back up to our apartment is a challenge. In fact, making it up the stairs to our apartment is my refiner's fire. It takes forever. Yesterday, I dragged a crying boy up the stairs by one arm with baby Calvin in his front carrier. I'm sure it was a sight to behold and the neighbors were feeling sorry for that "new" mom. Anyway, we're dealing with an indecisive boy who is very sensitive these days. I've heard two year olds are like teenagers and I guess it's kind of true.
I can't help but feel bad for him. He has been sick twice a month since last September and it's hard on him. He has a form of viral-induced asthma so every time he gets a cold his breathing gets labored and rapid on the the third day. It's always that day. Not sure why. I think he gets scared when it happens and we get nervous. We have the things we need on hand to help him and 911 is a call away, but it worries me to no end. I'm hoping he grows out of the reaction. I've never feared kids and colds, they go hand in hand, but I'm so on end when someone is sick around Win. I hate that I'm like that, too. It just intensifies my germphobeness. I just want to relax.
Anyway, I've just been feeling like motherhood is hard. It has pushed limits in me that I didn't know existed. How do moms do it who have really big challenges? Mine are nothing in comparison. Either way, I find it amazing what love for a child can do to you. It takes you to levels of worry that are real. Even if my nerves are frayed by the end of the day and sometimes into the night, it's going to be worth it. That's what I've been reminding myself. I want to find "joy in the journey", but I feel like I need an attitude adjustment (and some antibiotics). I've also found that I need more help than I thought. I need support from other moms, my siblings and my husband. I do. I couldn't be a mom without the help of these people. Friends are important and vital for sanity and I'm learning to call on them when I can't do it alone. My family members are close, but they aren't right around the corner, but friends are. I'm grateful for generous friends and family. I feel very blessed in that department and their love has been evident during the couple of months.
I'm rambling and #1 is awake. Daylight savings has made naptime/nighttime a mess, but we're going to get back on track and it's going to be a better one. Earlier to bed, earlier to rise. I think that would make me a happier, more productive person.
Before I leave, a few things that I want to remember:
"For the hand that rocks the cradle, is the hand that rules the world."
Taken from this poem: http://www.potw.org/archive/potw391.html
and here some other links for motherhood inspiration:
http://rachelmariemartin.blogspot.com/2011/08/how-to-find-joy-in-motherhood.html
http://rachelmariemartin.blogspot.com/2013/02/seven-ways-to-embrace-motherhood.html
I'm going to make my own list someday, but these will help me today. Here's to finding joy in motherhood and making it through.
3 comments:
So sorry you have been having such a hard time! I'm really hoping that the change in living location does wonders for Win's asthma. I know that I never had asthma before moving to the coast and now I totally get it from my allergies (which are also way worse for me here). I am down close to you 4 days a week picking up and dropping off Emrys at preschool. You are for sure going to need help packing up your place. I can pick up Win anytime and just take him to the park to play with Leo so you can get a break. They would love it!
Hang in there Nellie! Motherhood is a hard and wonderful at the same time. But sometimes its just overwhelming for awhile. You're doing a great job and you will survive! Good luck! Call me anytime to vent and cry - I would be happy to have someone listen to me vent and cry too ;)
thank you for sharing this! I felt the same way this week. 2 sick boys, a husband that is working crazy hours, and me trying to juggle motherhood, part time work, a social life and church obligations... you can only hold it together for so long! These are challenging years. But know you are not alone. We are all in this together trying our best to raise and love our little ones the best we know how. Thank goodness for prayer. It has really helped me keep my cool most of the time. And to think... I still want more kids!
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