motherhood

Motherhood has been really challenging for me lately. I've always wanted kids, always, but the last few weeks have been rough. Hard, actually, and we have fairly easy kids. A combination of having a two year old, two month old and various illnesses have made me feel anxious and overwhelmed. When Win gets a cold, it's not just a cold, it turns into a breathing issue. Having a newborn with a cold is just frightening to me because I'm worried he's going to die or end up in the hospital (no joke...my sister had to remind me that just because he has a cold doesn't mean he's going to die). To top that off, I caught a cold along the way that has been lingering for the past 10 days. I never like to go to the doctor, but it's time. Sore throat and earache, please leave me alone. Worried+no sleep+achy=BAD MOM.

I have been the worst mom to Win. He has been acting like a two year old and it's undoing my nerves. For instance, yesterday I asked him if he wanted to go to the park. He said no. I dragged him out the door anyway because he needed to stop playing puzzles on my phone and get some fresh air. We were there for over an hour and it was infringing on naptime so I said it was time to leave. I asked him if he wanted to leave and he said no so I let him do a few extra things (swing, slides, hanging on bars), but we had to get home. We live across the street, but walking home and getting back up to our apartment is a challenge. In fact, making it up the stairs to our apartment is my refiner's fire. It takes forever. Yesterday, I dragged a crying boy up the stairs by one arm with baby Calvin in his front carrier. I'm sure it was a sight to behold and the neighbors were feeling sorry for that "new" mom. Anyway, we're dealing with an indecisive boy who is very sensitive these days. I've heard two year olds are like teenagers and I guess it's kind of true.

I can't help but feel bad for him. He has been sick twice a month since last September and it's hard on him. He has a form of viral-induced asthma so every time he gets a cold his breathing gets labored and rapid on the the third day. It's always that day. Not sure why. I think he gets scared when it happens and we get nervous. We have the things we need on hand to help him and 911 is a call away, but it worries me to no end. I'm hoping he grows out of the reaction. I've never feared kids and colds, they go hand in hand, but I'm so on end when someone is sick around Win. I hate that I'm like that, too. It just intensifies my germphobeness. I just want to relax.

Anyway, I've just been feeling like motherhood is hard. It has pushed limits in me that I didn't know existed. How do moms do it who have really big challenges? Mine are nothing in comparison. Either way, I find it amazing what love for a child can do to you. It takes you to levels of worry that are real. Even if my nerves are frayed by the end of the day and sometimes into the night, it's going to be worth it. That's what I've been reminding myself. I want to find "joy in the journey", but I feel like I need an attitude adjustment (and some antibiotics). I've also found that I need more help than I thought. I need support from other moms, my siblings and my husband. I do. I couldn't be a mom without the help of these people. Friends are important and vital for sanity and I'm learning to call on them when I can't do it alone. My family members are close, but they aren't right around the corner, but friends are. I'm grateful for generous friends and family. I feel very blessed in that department and their love has been evident during the couple of months.

I'm rambling and #1 is awake. Daylight savings has made naptime/nighttime a mess, but we're going to get back on track and it's going to be a better one. Earlier to bed, earlier to rise. I think that would make me a happier, more productive person. 

Before I leave, a few things that I want to remember:

"For the hand that rocks the cradle, is the hand that rules the world."

Taken from this poem: http://www.potw.org/archive/potw391.html

and here some other links for motherhood inspiration:

http://rachelmariemartin.blogspot.com/2011/08/how-to-find-joy-in-motherhood.html

http://rachelmariemartin.blogspot.com/2013/02/seven-ways-to-embrace-motherhood.html

I'm going to make my own list someday, but these will help me today. Here's to finding joy in motherhood and making it through.

birth story

A little over three weeks ago, we had ourselves a second baby and although his birth certificate might indicate otherwise, his name is Calvin Merrill Sommer. He was Frederick for a couple of days, but it just didn't fit. He is a sweet boy and we are grateful he is ours.

So, here's the birth story:

On Calvin's due date, I started getting mild contractions at about 7 pm or 8 pm in the evening, but they weren't too painful and I thought we were in for the long haul, at least 10 hours or so. Dave and Danielle brought us dinner and I was timing my contractions while we ate and chatted. By the time 10 pm rolled around I was starting to get more uncomfortable so I was making sure my bag was ready. I needed to lie down and track the contractions, but felt like I needed to be a good host.

After Dave and Danielle left, the contractions started coming harder and closer together. I told Kent to get our neighbors, Josh and Jess, to watch Win while we were at the hospital. We sort of took our time because we weren't expecting a hurried labor. It took about 15 hours total with Win so I was thinking it would be similar with #2. I guess we should have known better though because I had at least two, stop-and-breathe-through-them, contractions on the way to the car.

I laid down on the back seat for most if the way to the hospital. Sitting was painful and I couldn't find relief. It was about 11:20 pm or 11:30 pm at this point. We took the 91 freeway and of course there was traffic. Not at first, but then there it was. Anyway, my contractions were killing me. I wasn't crying, but I may have been moaning a bit and frustrated we were in traffic. So much discomfort without relief! Kent got of the freeway and took side streets for the remaining few miles and it was a good thing. He even ran a red light and it was a good thing. I could tell he was a little panicked, but he told me later it was just because he wanted me to be out of pain, not because he thought a baby was coming REALLY soon. 

We made it to the hospital by midnight. Kent grabbed a wheelchair and we headed straight to the emergency room. They directed him to labor and delivery and he checked me in. I was in a lot of pain, just focusing on my breathing and contractions. I must have scared the people in the waiting room. Oh, well. Birthing is a VERY uncomfortable experience.

At this point it was about 12:15 am. I immediately told the medical personnel I wanted an epidural, but they told me they needed to check me first. I got to the check-in room and somehow managed to get my gown on (with the help of Kent) and they told me I was dilated to 9.5 cm. What?! I sort of knew what that meant (no epidural) so I was a little nervous.

They rolled me into labor and delivery and everything happened really fast. All of the sudden I felt the urge to push. I told them and everyone kind of wet into action. The midwife said "let's have a baby" so that's what we did. No pain medication, no IV, just a belt around my belly for a few minutes to get the baby's heart rate. All I knew is that I needed to push and I knew the sooner I got this baby out the sooner I would feel better. 

I got an oxygen mask and we were on our way (I was nervous I was going to faint or something). It took about 5 sets of 3 pushes and we had ourselves a baby boy. It was really uncomfortable when his head was almost out but not quite. Lots if pressure but my oh my, that made me push even harder. I just kept thinking the sooner I get this kid out the sooner I won't feel anymore pain. It kept me going.

Calvin arrived at 12:38 am about 30 minutes after we arrived at the hospital. He weighed a whopping 9.2 lbs and was 21.5 inches long. My body has paid for pushing that big baby out so fast during recovery, but I didn't realize he was that big at the time. It just happened so fast. He didn't cry much when he arrived and even when he did it was a gentle, nice cry. He has a lower register cry that's a little hoarse. It's cute.

They put him in my tummy and rubbed him down. Sweet little squishy face looking at me in his baby newness. I guess his eyes were closed but we were still face to face. I thought he looked like Win at first, but he looks nothing like him. They both have clefts in their chins but that's about it. Calvin has big eyes, smaller lips, a bigger body and a deep dimple in his right cheek. I'm pretty certain he will have blond hair like his big brother though.

I feel so lucky to have two adorable boys. I'm really tired these days and a little frayed, but it's all worth it. I'm so excited to see what Calvin is like and to see how he and Winston interact when they're older. Right now I'm just trying to keep sucked on fingers with germs (yes, Win has a cold) out of Calvin's face. Win really loves him and doesn't have any jealousy issues yet which makes me happy.

Anyway, here are a few photos from our iPhones. Enjoy.

Real life recovery.

 First beach day.